Down Deep
by xxXXPotteryGleekxxXX
Summary: Sirius has secrets, and some secrets you can't talk about because you'll feel weak if you tell. Rated T *Warning talk of suicide*.
1. Back To Hogwarts

**Ciao Fanfiction, I'm back again. But this time I decided to write a fiction on social issues kind of, I hope everyone is aware that Eating disorders, suicide, and bullying is a huge issue for kids today? Well I wanted to write something having to do with these issues, I think some people could relate. **

**But let's start the first chapter. Enjoy~ xxXXPotteryGleekxxXX**

* * *

Down Deep

Chapter 1- Back To Hogwarts

(Sirius POV)

I felt a cool breeze on my skin; I pulled my scarf up higher around my neck before boarding the train. Boney fingers grabbed my shoulders pulling me back with a mutant amount of force, "Don't say anything boy!" I turned around facing mother.

Her eyes had fiery in them and her face was red, I gulp as her nails dug deeper in my shoulder. I gave her a slight nod and ran on the train before it left me behind (Again).

I dragged my heavy yet small suitcase into an empty compartment; I placed my suitcase in the overhead and sat down placing my head on the window, "Sirius!" I turned my aching head and I met hazel eyes.

"Hey James," James placed his suitcase next to mine and sat opposite of me.

"Hey guys," Remus walked in with Peter close behind; I smiled giving the two a nod before returning back to the window.

I heard James talk about his summer visit to Brazil and I got jealous knowing how my summer was a living hell, "Sirius, what's up mate? You haven't spoken one word," I snapped out of my deep thought and I saw the three looking at me.

"Oh, sorry I'm just tired that's all," I gave them a charming smile and got up, "we should get changed, we'll be arriving at Hogwarts in a few minutes."

I took my robes and the other's followed.

* * *

The Great hall didn't change one bit, it still had the waxy candles and the always-changing scenery. As the huge line of first years walked in I felt memories creep up.

" _Black, Sirius!" _

_I walked up to the old hat; I almost tripped as I was trying to sit on the stool, "AH! Another Black I see? Well let's make this quick…" _

"_Not Syltherin, please don't sort me in Syltherin." _

"_What? But you'll go far in Syltherin, it's in your blood…" _

"_Please." _

"_Very well, you'll do fine in GRYFFINDOR!" the Gryffindor table burst out in cheers. I took a seat next to a messy hair boy with glasses. _

"_Hi, my name is James… James Potter," he placed his hand out like he wanted me to shake it. _

"_Sirius… Sirius Black," I took his hand and from that day on we became friends._

"Sirius, Padfoot!" I snapped up nearly knocking down my pumpkin juice.

"Bloody hell, I've been call your name for about five minutes now," I gave James a apologetic smile and looked down at my cuticles which suddenly became more interesting then the conversation.

"Sorry…" I felt a hand on my shoulder I flinched a little bit.

"Sirius are you feeling ok, you've been acting really strange?" Remus gave me a look of concern; I shook his hand off as I rose from my seat.

"I'm not all that hungry, I think I'll head to bed."

"But it's only a quarter to eight," James said as he had a mouthful of food.

"I'm really tired, I'll see you guys later," I walked out of the Great hall and headed up to the Common room.

* * *

I stared into the burning fire, I felt regret every time the flame moved, I felt hopeless, alone.

Why me? Why was I always alone in this world, no family to call my own only friends; I felt my eyes burn and a tear escape. I quickly wiped it away and I strolled up to the fifth year's boy's dormitory.

I found my knife, I stared at it for a few moments and I was in deep thought 'No, I can't do it."

* * *

**This chapter was really, really short. I'm sorry but I promise the next chapter will be longer. How was it? Shall I continue? Anyway Review and tell me what you think~ xxXXPotteryGleekxxXX**


	2. Knife In Hand

**Here's chapter 2. I got a lot of feed back from Chapter 1 and I was really happy because of that. Um anyway I got a review asking if the story is just dark… well the answer to that question is no.**

**This story may talk about how Sirius is depressed and stuff but there will be happy moments in this story towards the middle probably. But I don't want to keep talking and holding up the story so let's begin.**

**Also if you have anymore question fill free to PM (Private Message) me~ xxXXPotteryGleekxxXX**

* * *

(Recap of chapter 1)

_Why me? Why was I always alone in this world, no family to call my own only friends; I felt my eyes burn and a tear escape. I quickly wiped it away and I strolled up to the fifth year's boy's dormitory._

_I found my knife, I stared at it for a few moments and I was in deep thought 'No, I can't do it."_

* * *

Chapter 2- Knife In Hand

(Regular POV)

The door opened, Sirius quickly shove the blade in his suitcase and sat down on his bed, "Damn it," Sirius curse out loud as he examined his newly formed cut.

"Hey Padfoot, what happened?" Peter said as he walked over to Sirius gasping as he saw the large wound on Sirius's palm.

"Nothing, the bloody bed post is sharp that's all," Sirius said when he failed to make a fist.

"Maybe you should show Remus I bet he can heal that..."

"NO!" Sirius cursed himself as he bumped his head on the bed, "Don't tell Remus."

"But..."

"Don't! I mean it Wormtail don't tell Remus or James about this," Sirius warned as he pointed a finger in Peter's face.

"Tell us what?" Sirius froze instantly as he saw James standing by the door way with Remus.

"Nothing..." Sirius went into the bathroom and turned on the water.

"Tell us what Wormtail?" Peter whimpered in fear and ran out of the dormitory.

"What are we running a nut house?" James asked rhetorically as he fell down on his bed in defeat.

"Maybe it was nothing."

"Maybe it was something, damn it Remus... Sirius has been acting down right loony ever sense we got here..."

"And by got here you mean an hour ago James, maybe he grasping the fact that he's back at Hogwarts."

"Whatever you say remmie..." James got up and walk towards the door, "I'm going to search for Evans," Remus gave James a slight wave and continue unpacking his belongings.

Sirius however was listening to the whole conversation through the bathroom door.

* * *

Sirius felt alone, like he had no one to talk to, no one to trust. Maybe he just felt paranoid? But he always felt eyes looking at him, like people were trying to figure him out.

"The library!" Sirius said a little to loud, a group of second year girls were staring in his direction. Sirius blushed in embarrassment and ran into the always-occupied room.

"Mr. Black? What are you doing here?" Madame Pince question as she look up at him with her round spectacles.

"Just coming to study..."

"Without any books?"

"Just leave me alone okay!" Sirius yelled, but then apologized after.

_'What's wrong with me? Maybe I am just scum just like what mother say.' _

Sirius took a seat way in the back and placed his head on the table.

_'Maybe I should just kill myself...the world would be much happier without another black.' _

Sirius propped his head on his forearms and stared at a book called _'magic spells and potions_.'

'_Is there a spell that I can use?' _

He took the book and turned to deadly curses. The pages were ripped out (Probably so the students won't start murdering everyone).

He was able to make out one '_Crucio'_ Sirius never heard of this spell. Maybe it was forbidden to teach in the school.

_'Ugh, forget it' _

Sirius slammed the book shut and walked towards the main doors; Madame Pince gave him a look of concern but didn't dare say a word.

* * *

_'Why don't I drown myself in a lake?'_

Sirius realized the lake was to shallow so he took a seat next to his favorite oak tree, the one in front of the Whomping willow.

"Black? What are you doing here?" Sirius looked up and saw Lily Evans.

"What does it look like I'm doing Evans?" Lily took a seat next to Sirius.

"How come Potter isn't with you?"

"Why isn't James following you?" Sirius said annoyed.

"Somebody's in a bad mood I see," Lily said with a sarcastic tone in her voice.

"Thanks captain obvious," Sirius glared at Lily and started walking.

"Where are you going?"

"A place where you won't follow," Lily opened her mouth to protest but decide it wasn't worth it; She shrugged her shoulder and opened a book.

* * *

"Password?" Sirius looked at the Fat lady not remembering.

"I never got it," Sirius hissed under his breath.

"Hi Sirius," Sirius turned and saw Remus.

"Hi Moony."

"Fat lady, Cream puff," Remus said the password and walked in, "Coming Sirius?" Sirius walked in mumbling a small 'thank you.'

Remus sat over by the table taking out his paper and Quill; he looked at Sirius with concern every now and then but didn't say anything.

_'Can I really do this'_ Sirius started to stare down at his cut remembering the object that caused it.

_'It wasn't that bad..._' Sirius made his way up to the boy's dormitory.

_'I can do this...'_ Sirius opened his draw and took the sharp silver object.

_'No pain just relief...'_ Sirius went into the bathroom and gulped; he locked the door.

_'He-Here I go.'_

* * *

**Another Cliffhanger, sorry but I have plans for chapter 3. But if you noticed chapter 1 was Sirius's Point of view, and chapter 2 was Regular 3****rd**** person. So the next chapter will be in Sirius's point of view and you can sort of get the full affect of what's coming up.**

**Thanks for reading~ xxXXPotteryGleekxxXX **


	3. Dripping Blood

**Hello again Fanfiction, this is chapter three (Obviously) but I took a while to update (sorry) it's not long, long but it's not short so sorry about that. Um what else? OH! I want to say thank you to everyone to reviewed and loved my story (thank you so much) and to anyone who added the story to his or her author's alert (Thank you) but yeah I really appreciate it. **

**Check out my other stories (some has a lot of mistakes because I was younger when I wrote it and the grammar is horrendous though,****only the old ones) but anyway enjoy~xxXXPotteryGleekxxXX**

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Chapter 3- Dripping blood

(Sirius POV)

_Okay it's not going to hurt no pain_. I felt the sharp, cold end of my knife touch my pale skin.

I slid the knife softly against my forearm and I felt a tears forming. _Ok one more it wasn't that bad_, I held the blade up again but this time I put a little more force into it.

I felt blood trickle down my wrist and I looked down, _ok just two little lines that's it...I hope. _

I went into the bathroom and rinsed the weapon slowly, I started examining my reflection, _where have my life gone and where will it start again?_

* * *

"Sirius we have Quidditch practice in five minutes."

James took a seat next to me on the 'love seat', "oh, I'm not going..." I felt James jump up the couch and I saw him in front of me.

"What! Why the hell not?" I hated when James yelled at me.

"Because I don't bloody want to," I had to even out my tone because I was close to screaming.

"But Sirius you _love_ Quidditch..."

"I guess I'll add Quidditch to the list of things I hate," I started walking to the portrait hole.

"Where do you think your going?" James grabbed my shoulder and spun me around, "Sirius you can get away with murder when it comes to Remus, but not with me... What's going on with you?" I felt James hands shake because he had a tight grip.

"Nothing... I don't feel well..." I came up with a quick excuse not looking into his eyes.

"Then go to Madam Pomfrey."

"It'll pass, I'm going out to get some fresh air," I started walking again.

"Fine, I'll see you later," I looked and I saw James disappear up to the dormitory _probably to get his gear_ but I didn't really care I walked out of the warm tower and into the dark world you call _Hogwarts_.

* * *

I kind of, sort of lied when I said I was going out to get fresh air. Instead I'll head back to the library because that place is very peaceful.

I went all the way in the back again so nobody could see or bother me. I found that stupid book again and I turned away; so I wouldn't get any ideas.

"Padfoot?" Oh gosh please don't be Remus, "Why are you here?" Yep the universe hates me.

"Hello again Moony, funny seeing you here..." Remus started laughing quietly to himself.

"What's so funny?" I was confused, like really, really confused.

"Nothing, nothing at all... Hey me, Peter, and James are heading over to The Three Broomsticks after James finish Quidditch practice, Care to join us?" I nodded.

Why not I need have a good laugh and just a good time, "Aren't you suppose to be at the Quidditch pitch?" Not this again.

"Actually I'm thinking about resigning..."

"What? Why you love Quidditch."

"We all love a lot of things Remus, I just don't _love_ Quidditch anymore." Remus gave me a confused glanced and sat down at a table.

"Well it's your choice... Damn it, I forgot my Ink and Quill upstairs... I have to get it see you later Siri," I smiled finally relieved that he left, my head then dropped to my arms again and I sat their.

* * *

"I'm getting to old for Quidditch."

I heard James say, he started stretching his back, "Your the youngest out of the three of us Prongs," I said smiling.

James smiled back, "Younglings have to deal with more back pains," James stuck his tongue out and I returned the gesture.

"James you're four-teen and a half," Remus said.

"Fourteen and three quarters to be precise," I smiled a little bit more and looked back at the two. "What are quarters anyway?" I asked curiously.

"I don't know I heard this expression when I went to Brazil, but I don't really know what a quarter is," I shrugged my shoulders not caring much for the conversation anymore.

I opened the doors to the bar like area and I directed everyone to the last booth on the end.

"Hello Sirius!" I turned, oh gosh not this Slytherin.

* * *

**Really bad cliffhanger, but hey if you guess which Slytherin this is I'll update sooner lol. Anyway this chapter was in Sirius's Point of View (POV) I explain this before. Chapter one his point of view, chapter two 3****rd**** person, blah, blah, blah you get the point right?**

**Also I know this is soon and stuff saying the story isn't really close to being over but it's not going to go on forever, for all those Harry Potter, Glee fans I need your help. **

**The next genre I'm going to work on is Glee, saying I have one glee fiction on it's nothing new. But I want that to be my next priority after this story ends. So ideas please , it will mean a lot. But thanks for reading review~ xxXXPotteryGleekxxXX**


	4. Tell Me

**Ciao! I know, I know. The update should have been sooner but with the hot weather I've been lazy lol. But here I have chapter 4 and I hope it's just as good as chapter 1,2, and 3. But here it is enjoy~xxXXPotteryGleekxxXX.**

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Chapter 4~ Tell me

"Hello Sirius!" Sirius felt the blood drain out of his face as he saw his little brother Regulus.

"What do you want Regulus?" Sirius grunted his teeth in anger.

"I wanted to see if mother finished you off yet..." Sirius jumped up.

"You dirty piece of slytherin shit!" Regulus smirked.

"This Slytherin shit is in your blood Sirius."

Sirius punched Regulus in the nose and let him drop to the floor. Sirius fled out the door and James followed, Remus however was trying to treat the wound, "Run you coward, that's all you can do!" Regulus hissed in pain.

* * *

"What the hell was that Sirius!" James yelled running after Sirius in the cold weather.

"Sirius! I'm so bloody tired of you ignoring me!" James grabbed Padfoot's arm and didn't let go.

"James! Nothing happened you can obviously see that I just punched my brother in the nose!" Sirius face turned red with anger.

"Why though! Sirius I'm trying everything, I'm trying to help you..."

"I never asked for your help, and I damn well don't need it!" James saw his breath because he was breathing heavy.

James let go of his grip and looked into his friend's emotionless eyes, "What happened to you Sirius?" James voice quivered.

Sirius didn't answer he just started walking towards the castle leaving James their, "Padfoot..."

* * *

It's been a week since that whole episode and Sirius still wasn't talking to James.

It's also been a week since the knife and arm situation and Sirius never thought about it. Sirius didn't even associate with Remus and Peter anymore, it was just himself.

"James just talk to him..." James stared at his plate.

"You think I didn't try? Even if I make eye contact he walks away."

"Anger with anger isn't the answer," Remus sighed as he glanced at Sirius who was sitting at the end of the table.

"If you care so much why don't you try?" James got up and walked towards the door.

_'Because your friendship is stronger than mine_'

* * *

"Hey Sirius."

Lily said as she sat next to Sirius on the couch, "Do you make it a daily chore to talk to me?" Sirius said sarcastically.

"Ouch I'm hurt," Lily said in a fake hurt tone, "and no, I'm just being friendly," Sirius snorted.

"I didn't know you knew the first word to being friendly," Sirius turned so he was facing the window.

"Well I do..." Lily turned, head up high and started walking up to the girl's dormitory.

"And you should eat more, your turning into flesh and bone." Sirius looked down at his thinning figure and shrugged his shoulders.

"_Whatever_."

* * *

"James I'm worried about Sirius… I mean with the Regulus incident, it's just weird…" James had his legs crossed on his bed and his arms folded.

"Remus don't over worry yourself, we tried."

"So is this it? Just let our best friend suffer?" Remus slammed his quill down and looked at James with burning eyes.

"Remus I care about him, but I don't know what to bloody do!" James sat up on his bed now angry.

"Fucking talk to him!"

"I did Remus I fucking did!"

Remus threw a shiny object on his bed and looked down, "What is this?" James took the object and his eyes opened in disbelief, "th-this is Sirius's knife…"

"When I was downstairs studying I forgot one of my books… so when I cracked the door opened to peek in I-I saw Sirius using this…" Remus started to breakdown.

"He was cutting himself James, not just anywhere but the wrist! The Fucking wrist!" Remus started to cry harder.

James sat down trying to grasp the fact that his, loving, cheerful Padfoot was a-a cutter, "When were you going to show me this Remus?" Remus faced James.

"Why does it matter?"

* * *

**You guys probably hate me, but I love cliffhangers (Not really) but I want you guys to guess what might happen next. No fun if I tell you right away lol.**

**But this is all of chapter 4 a lot of emotions and drama right? But thanks for reading another Chapter of '**_**Down Deep' **_** thanks review~xxXXPotteryGleekxxXX**


	5. Explanations

**Ciao! Chapter 5 is in session. Did it take long? Well if it did sorry about that honestly I was very excited to write chapter 5 after seeing what I left off with. Drama, Drama, and more DRAMA. What's going to happen to poor Sirius? Well let's find out, enjoy~xxXXPotteryGleekxxXX**

* * *

(Recap of chapter 4)

"_Fucking talk to him!"_

_"I did Remus I fucking did!"_

_Remus threw a shiny object on his bed and looked down, "What is this?" James took the object and his eyes opened in disbelief, "th-this is Sirius's knife…"_

_"When I was downstairs studying I forgot one of my books… so when I cracked the door opened to peek in I-I saw Sirius using this…" Remus started to breakdown._

_"He was cutting himself James, not just anywhere but the wrist! The Fucking wrist!" Remus started to cry harder._

_James sat down trying to grasp the fact that his, loving, cheerful Padfoot was a-a cutter, "When were you going to show me this Remus?" Remus faced James._

_"Why does it matter?"_

* * *

Chapter 5- Explanations

James and Remus continued looking at one another; James was the first to speak.

"Why does it matter? Remus you were the first one to say, oh talk to him... And now this issue doesn't mean anything to you?" Remus didn't say a word he just stared at his bed sheets.

"Remus... I trusted you we told each other everything..." silence.

"Why? Does this, our friendship and loyalty, matter?" James made his way towards the door and reached his hand out to turn the knob.

"B-Because we swore no matter how horrible the issue or situation may be... We will always be f-friends..." James opened the door and fled leaving Remus there alone.

* * *

(Sirius's POV)

I felt empty...alone I mean I always had James and Remus by my side, with an exception of Peter.

Mother mentally scarred me, she's evil she made me paranoid. She's evil, but I can't call her evil cause than me being a black, I'm calling myself evil.

Why do I bother to walk on this earth? Why do I pretend to take in joy when it's not there? And why do I feel this way?

I stared at the shallow lake again and shivered from the cold breeze. I pulled my scarf up higher against my pale neck and I instantly felt warm again, I should get back to Gryffindor common room.

I sneezed as I walked up the moving stairs _'damn it I must be getting ill'_ I mumbled the password to the fat lady and I saw someone sitting by the window.

"James?" He lifted his head and his eyes were bloodshot.

"Sirius..." he croaked out softly.

Suddenly I felt arms wrap around me, "James what's going on?" I was confused.

"Sirius...please don't do it."

"What?" James started wiping his eyes and he a slight smile on his face.

"You mean the world to me Sirius don't ever...don't ever harm yourself." James walked out of the portrait hole and I was still standing there.

"Your not gay are you? I'll still accept you but...if your crushing me it's weird..." I yelled after James. Whatever I'll just throw all of his stuff in cold water.

* * *

_'Smile, Smile Sirius Black'_. I walked up to the dormitory and I opened the door slightly. _'Smile just until the people leave'_ I saw Remus on his bed but he was just sitting there shoulders shaking.

"Remus...A-are you all right?" no answer. I walked closer to his bed and I saw something reflect the light.

The color drain from my face, I wanted to puke. I felt like stone when I saw my knife on Remus's bed, "what the hell are you doing with my _personal_ belonging?" I saw Remus jump.

"S-Sirius I-I was just..."

"You were just snooping in my stuff!" why was Remus crying?

"No you don't understand...let me explain..."

"There's nothing to explain Remus! This is invasion of privacy!" I pulled open my draw and threw my blade inside.

"Are you harming yourself Sirius?" I felt my legs and arm stiffen and I turned away from the werewolf.

"No. Merlin who gave you that crazy idea..." I ran inside the vacate bathroom and locked the door _'Bloody Fuck...'_

* * *

"Hello Black," Ugh not Evans again.

"You do realise that every time you see me you don't have to say anything right?" Evans had one of those grins again.

"Just being friendly...not eating again?" she stared at my full plate.

"I'm not hungry... What are you my _mother_...?" I stopped myself and stared into her emerald green eyes.

"No I'm a person that cares... I never realise how silver your eyes were."

"Thanks, I'll eat a tiny bit of bread if that'll make you leave faster," She smiled again.

"Nice try, your lucky I have to be somewhere right now."

"Lucky me, Bye Evans."

"Bye Sirius." did she just call me by my first name?

* * *

"Thanks for coming with me Sirius."

"No problem Pete, I have to get out of the common room," I had my hands in my pocket and I walked slowly.

"I'm just a little surprised... You're usually playing exploding snap with James..." I smiled.

"I wasn't in the mood for games, sometimes it's nice to be in a library _surrounded_ by dusty books," I had sarcasm in my voice and Peter laughed a little.

"Hey Pete can I ask you a question?"

"Hm..." Peter started looking up and down the isle and I was sitting backwards on a chair.

"Is James Gay?" Peter froze.

"No I don't think so I saw his flirting with Lily... Why?" I started to whistle.

"Just asking... Hey what book are you looking for?" I noticed a book with gold trimming and a black cover.

"Pass me that book," I pointed to a book that got me interested.

"Since when have you started reading books?" Peter gave me the book and I shrugged my shoulders.

"Summer, Start of year, I don't know I have a short attention Span," I opened to page one and I was quickly interested.

"I'm going to check this out, see you later," Peter waved and went back to what he was doing.

I gave the book to Madame Pince, "that's it Mr. Black?" I nodded and I took the book off the table.

"Very well have a good day."

"You to Madame Pince."

* * *

_'Wow I never been so unhappy returning to the Gryffindor tower before'_ I walked towards the fat lady again and I gave her the password.

I walked in with my book in my hand and I saw Remus and James, "Hi guys."

"Sirius we need to talk."

I gulped and I stared at the two _'crap'_.

* * *

**Well this was chapter 5 sorry it took so long I've been very busy lately with school and everything. And I had writers block so I had to think of ideas and I was drafting; just hectic.**

**Well how was this chapter, this one was a little more cheerful because Sirius was in a good mood so his sarcasm never fails. I'm staying on topic I just wanted this chapter to have way more humor saying that this story is practically depressing sometimes.**

**Well like I said sorry it took so long Review~xxXXPotteryGleekxxXX**


	6. Infirmary

**Hi Fanfiction, I'm so, so, SO sorry this chapter took so long. But I've been really busy but since I'm on summer vacation I'll try to update more frequently. But I'll give you a slight recap of (Well the ending of chapter 5) so you'll be up to date. Once again I apologize I know it's been ****almost a month but here it is enjoy. ~xxXXPotteryGleekxxXX**

* * *

(Recap of chapter 5)

_'Wow I never been so unhappy returning to the Gryffindor tower before' I walked towards the fat lady again and I gave her the password._

_I walked in with my book in my hand and I saw Remus and James, "Hi guys."_

_"Sirius we need to talk."_

_I gulped and I stared at the two 'crap'._

* * *

Chapter 6- Infirmary

(Regular POV)

"Um...did I do something wrong?" Sirius stood there confused and puzzled.

"No, Well yes...sort of..." James was trying to find the right reason.

"What James is trying to say..." Remus got up from his seat, "You've been distant and quiet lately and we're worried about you."

Sirius tightened his grip around the hard cover book, "that's um...well, why do you care anyway?" James pushed his glasses farther against his nose.

"Well why shouldn't we? We've been friends for five years, we tell each other everything and we're never dishonest."

"Yeah we tell one other everything" Sirius emphasized the last part.

"What's that suppose to mean Padfoot?" Sirius made his way towards the spiral staircase.

"Nothing Prongs."

Sirius jogged up the stairs and Remus and James were just standing there speechless, "I'm worried James..."

"Yeah me to."

* * *

"Remmie I'm going insane here, Sirius is driving me INSANE!" James yelled in the almost full class room.

Two Slytherins and a Hufflepuff started looking in his direction, "Bloody Hell James lower your voice."

"Since when did you swear?"

"Since now Sirius is getting to me to... I can't even focus in class" Remus slammed the book shut and looked straight up, "and the full moon is tomorrow so my anxiety is kicking in."

James sat up as soon as Professor Slughorn walked in, "Afternoon class," half of the class repeated the gesture.

"Hey moony where's Padfoot?" Remus shrugged his shoulders before answering.

"I don't know doesn't he always come late? Hell I never pay attention."

James nodded and gave the professor one of his charming smiles, "Is there something you boys would like to share?" Remus looks down in embarrassment.

"No Professor."

"Good well... Mr. Black your late," James whipped his head around, so did Remus and the two were surprised.

"Sorry Professor..." Sirius's voice was horse.

"I'll let this one slide Mr. Black because your one of my best students," Sirius nodded and took a seat in the very back.

"Anyway, in order to make an antidote to any type of poison you need to brew the potion counter-clockwise for five minutes, then you..."

"Bloody hell this class is unbearable... Wonder why Sirius came late? Then his appearance he looks like he's been crying for ages..." James said to Remus as he gave Sirius a worrisome glance.

"After you wait for about ten minutes add in the fire seeds and brew that counter-clockwise for five minutes again..."

"I don't know James but this is getting out of hand, we can't ignore the signs... That knife was a huge clue; he could be bloody suicidal... _and_ his brother at the three broomsticks that was a little suspicious..." Remus said while copying down the notes.

"Alright partner up," James gave Remus a huge grin and then looked back at Sirius.

"Remmie, I'll go back by Sirius and you'll stay with Peter," Remus looked at Peter and started to pack up his belongings.

"Fine but if the potion blows up in my face I swear..." James smiled again and made his way towards Sirius.

"Hey Padfoot is this seat taken?" Sirius looked up and shook his head. James plopped down in the seat and took out his textbook.

"I still don't understand it, he gives us directions then he tells us to take out our textbook, to me it's a huge waste of time..." Sirius didn't say anything. He was just skimming the pages, "hey um… do you want to go to the lake later?" Sirius still didn't answer.

"I'll take that as a yes," Sirius sighed and put down his quill.

"What was the textbook page?" James was in utter shock.

"Sirius Orion Black doing classwork?"

"You know I hate my middle name."

"Someone's serious today, no pun intended," James went in his bag in search for his ink bottled.

"Whatever, also I'm not going to the lake today…" Sirius started brewing the potion, "I'm going to stay in the library today," Sirius started putting the ingredients in.

"But we always use to go by the lake after potions…you've been really distant lately…"

"Alright class is over, remember to bring in your report on fire roots," Sirius was the first to leave.

"So how did it go?" James sighed and looked at Remus.

"No luck, he won't talk to me… I tried everything."

"He's been really depressed lately, but why? I mean when was the last time was you to pulled a prank?"

"Last year… I miss the old Sirius…"

"So do I…"

* * *

James was in the common room playing a game of chess with Peter and Remus was reading a book in the corner by the window, "I give up Chess is SO boring!" James threw his hands in the air and then back behind his chair.

"It's only boring because you don't know how to play," James gave Remus a dirty glare.

"No one asked you Mr. Know-it-all," Remus snorted and James continued playing chess.

"James the full moon is tomorrow…" Remus said in a serious tone, "without Sirius…" Remus sighed.

Lily ran in, "Remus! James! Peter! Sirius is in the infirmary!" Lily was breathing hard; James couldn't believe what he was hearing.

"What!"

"James! Wait!" Remus tried to catch up with James but James was faster.

"Lily what happened exactly?" Lily was crying at this point.

"I don't know, I-I think it was a suicide attempt…" all the color drained from the boy's face.

"Suicide…"

* * *

**I know, I know you guys hate cliffhangers but I promise that chapter 7 will come out way more quickly. I'll say this, in chapter 7 it's going to be in James's point of view; so it'll be more interesting and have more drama. Well Review hope you enjoyed this chapter.~xxXXPotteryGleekxxXX**


	7. I'm Here

**Ciao you guys! I told and promised you that this chapter would come out way more quickly, I kept my word . Ok I want to explain chapter 7, you should know my pattern by now. It's usually Sirius's point of view, then its 3****rd**** person point of view. Well I told you at the end of chapter 6 that this chapter was going to be in James point of view. Well it is, it's different and I have great ideas for this one. Well I'm going to stop talking, enjoy the story~xxXXPotteryGleekxxXX**

* * *

(Recap of chapter 6)

_Lily ran in, "Remus! James! Peter! Sirius is in the infirmary!" Lily was breathing hard; James couldn't believe what he was hearing. _

"_What!" _

"_James! Wait!" Remus tried to catch up with James but James was faster. _

"_Lily what happened exactly?" Lily was crying at this point._

"_I don't know, I-I think it was a suicide attempt…" all the color drained from the boy's face. _

"_Suicide…"_

* * *

Chapter 7- I'm Here

(James POV)

"Sirius is in the infirmary!" I couldn't believe what I was hearing.

"What!" I ran out of the Gryffindor tower at full speed.

"James! Wait!" I ignored Remus's calls. I ran passed every student apologizing on the way.

"Mr. Potter! Do not run in my corridor!" I heard professor McGonagall yell but I kept running anyway.

'I'm coming Sirius…'

* * *

"Madam Pomfrey!" she was helping another student but I ran towards her anyway, "Madam Pomfrey, Where's Sirius…"

"Mr. Potter please lower your voice…"

"Is he ok…Please tell me," Madam Pomfrey started walking towards the bed closest to her office and I followed closely.

"He's asleep, poor boy I was so surprised when I saw him in that condition," I looked at Sirius. I was shocked his lips were blue and skin complexion paler than Remus.

"Will he be okay?"

"Yes, the damage wasn't that serious…"

"Sorry to interrupt but what did happen anyway?" I couldn't look at him at this point.

"He was unconscious when he arrived, but I do believe he was poisoned."

"P-Poisoned…"

"Afraid so, thank goodness Professor Slughorn was teaching a lesson on Poison's and Antidotes today, getting that antidote was no problem," I was in deep thought.

"Yes thank goodness, Can I stay with him for a while?" Madam Pomfrey nodded and I gave her a smile.

"Yes Mr. Potter but only until Dinner, I want to give him the rest of the painkillers when he awakens."

"OK, thank you," Madam Pomfrey retreated to her office and I took a seat next to Padfoot's bed, "this is my fault…" I whisper to myself. My eyes started getting moist so I took off my glasses to whip away the forming tears.

"Why didn't you tell me…? I-I could have helped you…" I continued to look at Sirius's sleeping figure. I took his hand in a very unmanly matter, but I had to forget about my dignity because my best mate… was in the Infirmary. He's like a brother to me and I could of lost him…I could of lost him.

* * *

"James…James wake up," I felt someone shake me but I ignored it, "Prongs wake up," I groaned and opened my eyes looking at a very weak looking Remus.

"Remus, what's going on? What happened?" I looked around confused but then my eyes landed on Sirius's motionless figure, "Oh…"

"Madam Pomfrey said it was time to go, we have to get down to the great hall…" I got up and started stretching, "come on we'll come back later."

Remus started walking towards the door and I was still standing there, "Coming James?"

"I just can't leave him…again," I whispered the last part, "I never noticed, I was so preoccupied with my own selfish needs that I wasn't their when my best mate needed it…he could of died and I would of never been able to forgive myself…it hurts Moony," tears started rolling down my cheeks, I didn't even bother wiping them off this time.

Remus started walking towards me looking very guilty, I then gasp with I felt him put me in a tight hug. I didn't know what to do my reaction was late and I was still in shock, so I just hugged him back. Sure it wasn't _'manly'_ but I just didn't care; I started crying on his shoulder. I broke, I just broke down… I couldn't take it I couldn't shake the fact that I could have lost my best friend, I knew him for five years and it could have ended so quickly, so fast.

I heard a soft cry from Sirius's bed, I quickly ran over to see if he was awake, "James…Remus…" he was in a lot of pain I could tell.

"Sirius…Padfoot you're ok,' I quickly pulled him in a bone crushing hug.

"James can you get off…" I blushed and released his petite figure. "Oh…sorry…" Madam Pomfrey walked in.

"Mr. Black, you're up wonderful," she handed Sirius a tablet and a glass of water. I saw him take the medicine and he looked so sick, so weak.

"Thank you," he said hoarsely; he looked drowsy.

"Get some rest Mr. Black, I'll wake you up later," He nodded and quickly fell asleep.

"Mr. Potter, Mr. Lupin you should be heading down to the Great Hall, you can visit your friend tomorrow," we nodded and walked out the door.

"Don't worry James he'll be fine, I promise."

"I hope so Remus…"

* * *

In the Great hall we all ate in silence (me, Remus, and Peter that is) I knew something was on Moony's mind because he seemed more tense. And saying that the full moon is tomorrow that's probably it, so I decided to break the ice and ask, "Moony the full moon is tomorrow," I whisper.

He body stiffened and I knew I was right because he didn't answer me, "and without Padfoot…" I trailed off and started sipping my pumpkin juice.

"I know James…" I felt bad, I had my stag form and that was always enough to slow him down. But we needed Padfoot, because a rat and a stag is nothing against a huge furry Werewolf.

"We can figure it out tomorrow,"

"But tomorrow will be too late…" but Remus was already gone.

"Only me and you Pete," he gulped.

'_Oh gosh Sirius'_

* * *

**Hi sorry this chapter took so long. But I had problems with my computer and it was my Birthday so I was really busy, but I'm taking a break with this story and I'm going to be working on a Dragon ball z Mpreg fic. So if there's any Harry potter and Dragon ball z fans please check that out. Also Chapter 8 might come out somewhat in August or July 30****th****, Thanks for reading Review~ xxXXPotteryGleekxxXX**


	8. Full Moon

**Hi I'm back and I'm here to present chapter 8! I know, I know I've been slacking but I'm working on multiple projects (stories that is). So I'm very sorry because I hate when people are waiting for me so yeah. Well enjoy~ xXXPotteryGleekxxXX. **

* * *

_(Recap of chapter 7) _

_In the Great hall we all ate in silence (me, Remus, and Peter that is) I knew something was on Moony's mind because he seemed more tense. And saying that the full moon is tomorrow that's probably it, so I decided to break the ice and ask, "Moony the full moon is tomorrow," I whisper._

_He body stiffened and I knew I was right because he didn't answer me, "and without Padfoot…" I trailed off and started sipping my pumpkin juice._

_"I know James…" I felt bad, I had my stag form and that was always enough to slow him down. But we needed Padfoot, because a rat and a stag is nothing against a huge furry Werewolf._

_"We can figure it out tomorrow,"_

_"But tomorrow will be too late…" but Remus was already gone._

_"Only me and you Pete," he gulped._

_'Oh gosh Sirius'_

* * *

Chapter 8- Full Moon

(James POV)

Tonight's the night… Remus has to transform tonight and we won't have Sirius. I don't know how we're supposed to pull this off because we never had a transformation without Padfoot by our side helping. I even blew off all my classes so I could visit Sirius, but Peter and Remus made sure I was up to date on my notes just in case we get a "surprised quiz" Remus always say.

I just sat there by his side writing furiously on a parchment with my quill. Every now and then I looked up from my paper to make sure he was breathing correctly, maybe I was a little paranoid but I was just making sure.

I was deeply focused on my essay I didn't even realize that Sirius was staring directly at me, "Bloody hell why'd wake me up?" I was startled at first forgetting I had company.

"Oops sorry about… You're up!' I threw my stuff in my bag and looked up I was very happy.

"Now I am…" I watched him sit up flitching in pain at every movement.

"Are you okay? Do I need to get Madam Pomfrey?" He shook his head and took a sip of water.

I know I was probably on mother mode but I really cared for him, "Sirius why did you do it?" he looked down and didn't say a word; I frowned.

"This is my fault, I knew you were acting different but I pushed it aside… I'm so, so, sorry," my voice was starting to quiver a little.

"Please Prongs don't beat yourself up for this, I was acting distant and moody it was my fault…" I felt really bad; I've been getting really depressed because if he would have died I would have never forgiven myself.

"Why would you try to take your own life? You have so much to life for…"

"No I don't… I'm the most hated pureblood family, I was disowned by my family, and…" he closed his mouth and didn't say a word.

"And…" I heard the door open; Remus and Peter walked in with more assignments.

"Sirius I'm so glad you're awake," Remus said placing down his notebook, "I was worried sick about you, we all were."

Ever since Remus told us his secret back in second year (A/N: This was just a guess, I think it was Third year not sure) we noticed that he'll get weaker and can't really focus. This always made me feel bad but he'll always tell me this _"There's nothing you can do about it, please don't worry "but_ I always knew he was hurting.

"I'm sorry Moony, I feel so useless now…"

"Why?"

"Because the full moon is tonight and I can't help you, I'm so selfish," I was now looking back at him.

"You're not selfish Sirius!" I shouted; I earned shocked stares from them.

"I have to finish my work, I'll see you guys later." I grabbed my bag and quickly paced out of the hospital wing not looking back.

* * *

I walked into the dormitory and I plopped onto my bed, my hands were hanging off the bed and I was face down on the pillow, I turned and looked at Sirius's bed I sighed and slammed my face in my pillow again. I was skipping lunch again, maybe not the best idea saying I have a long night ahead of me but I couldn't stomach any food right now.

An hour past and I was still in the dark just mopping, I felt horrible I'm probably overreacting but I just wanted to lay in the dark with silence forever. Before I even realized I felt two weights on my bed and I heard my lamp on my night stand flicker on.

"Here James, we brought you some food from the kitchen," Peter placed the plate on the night stand but I was still lying there.

"Thanks…" my voiced was very muffled by the pillow.

"The full moon is in a few hours…" I groaned and got up.

"Moony what happens if my form isn't enough? I can't have any more of my friends injured, I just can't!" I threw my pillow across the room and propped up my legs so my knees were against my chest.

"James we can do this… just have hope please," and with those words I felt better insanely.

"I will Remus, for you guys," we all smiled and swore that tonight was going to go great.

'_I have hope.' _

* * *

It was about eleven and Remus was starting to get restless, I grabbed my invisibility cloak and me and Peter were helping Remus down the stairs, it was a little harder because Remus is usually really hard to control during his painful transformation. But me and Peter managed to get him to the shrieking shack.

I threw the cloak to the side and we backed up slowly watching the moons glow creep threw the ripped up curtains. It was time, I turned into my Stag form and Peter turned into a rat (Hiding back like always). Loud howls were coming from the wolf, he was fully changed and now I had to keep him tamed.

His giant, sharp claws almost got me but I dodged it just in time, with my antlers I pushed him back. He started getting angrier and more aggressive; I jumped up on my back legs so I could intimidate him a little. But for some reason he seemed even more aggressive this full moon, he was chewing on his fur and scratching on his chest yelling even more.

One of his claws got me on the face and I howled in pain, Wormtail was still hiding back frighten to the bone, I was still blocking Moony from going anywhere. Moony had no control over his actions so he didn't know he was hurting his friends; he wasn't trying to but that's what the wolf wanted.

I didn't realize that he had a good shot at me so as soon as I looked up I felt a sharp pain and everything went black.

* * *

(Third person POV)

"Please Madam Pomfrey let me leave I have to help them!" Sirius yelled, he couldn't take those howls anymore he knew Prongs was going to be history with just Wormtail to protect him.

"Mr. Black! You are in no condition to leave!" Sirius tried pleading his way out but she refused.

"Please they're the only friends I can call family they can get killed!" she had sympathy on her face but she had to say no.

"They're going to be perfectly fine I promise Mr. Black," Tears were rolling down his face and he looked out the window.

"Please be okay, please…" He looked up towards the moon and he saw the wolf face stick out the window, "Please…"

* * *

…**This was a really emotional chapter, but it was worth the wait, I hope I didn't confuse anyone. Thanks for reading Review~ xxXXPotteryGleekxxXX. **


	9. Behind Closed Doors

**Hey Fanfiction! This chapter is so overdue so I'm just going to get this done because this has been bugging me. Since the last update was in August I'm just going to give you a little Recap on chapter 8, so you'll be updated on the events in chapter 9. So please enjoy and once again I'm sorry I took so long updating~ xxXXPotteryGleekxxXX**

* * *

(Recap of chapter 8)

_"Please Madam Pomfrey let me leave I have to help them!" Sirius yelled, he couldn't take those howls anymore he knew Prongs was going to be history with just Wormtail to protect him._

_"Mr. Black! You are in no condition to leave!" Sirius tried pleading his way out but she refused._

_"Please they're the only friends I can call family they can get killed!" she had sympathy on her face but she had to say no._

_"They're going to be perfectly fine I promise Mr. Black," Tears were rolling down his face and he looked out the window._

_"Please be okay, please…" He looked up towards the moon and he saw the wolf face stick out the window, "Please…"_

* * *

Chapter 9- behind closed doors

(Third person POV)

"Get these two on a bed fast!" Sirius got up confused at the sudden shouting throughout the normally quiet hospital wing.

"Hurry up and get those pain killers! Relax Mr. Potter you'll be fine…" Madam Pomfrey finally got the veil and told James to drink slow sips.

"Poppy how in havens name did this happen?" Professor McGonagall asked.

"Minerva we all know how this happened," Dumbledore was standing by the boys with his hands calmly behind his back.

"I know how, but it's usually only Mr. Lupin in this condition… Did he bite him?" McGonagall whisper the last part; trying not to show worry in her voice.

"No luckily, he's suffering from a mild concussion nothing I can't handle but he'll have the worse headache when he wakes up," Dumbledore nodded and looked over at Sirius.

Sirius jumped at the sudden eye contact but kept calm, "Madam Pomfrey is he going to be alright?" he tried to crane his neck to get a better view.

"Yes just fine, don't worry Mr. Black just go back to sleep, I'll be less hectic tomorrow morning," Sirius didn't argue; once his head hit the pillow he was fast asleep.

* * *

"_Sirius Orion Black! Get down here at once!" __Walburga Black yelled from downstairs waiting for her oldest son to enter._

"_Yes mother?" Sirius said trying to be respectful. _

"_What the hell is this?" She pointed to the floor; he looked down and saw a red stain on the carpet. _

"_It looks like a stain mother…" _

"_Don't get smart with me! I know what it is! How the hell did it get here?" she shouted louder causing the twelve-year-old boy to flinch. _

"_I don't know…" the female black smacked him across the face. _

"_You do know! How did it get here?" Sirius turned around showing a visible handprint against his pale cheek. _

"_Honest Mother I didn't do it…" Walburga snarled in disgust and told her son to clean it up, "Yes mother…" _

_Sirius went into the kitchen to get a rag; he reentered and went on his knees, "Why can't you be more like your brother Regulus? You're a disgrace to the Black family!" she spat out before leaving Sirius didn't move; all he felt was hot tears running down his face. _

"_I'm sorry Mother…" _

Sirius woke up with tears streaming down his face; he looked at his palms and then around the room. He took a deep breath in heavy relief; "It was just a dream…" he turned and saw white curtains surrounding a bed.

That was usually where Remus was after his transformation so he could have privacy. Sirius pulled the sheet back and saw his friend munching on chocolate with a book on his lap.

"Good morning Padfoot," He said cheerfully offering the Black a piece of the candy bar.

"Thanks…" There was a pregnant silence after that.

Remus was the first to break the ice, "How are you feeling?"

"Good I guess, could be better… you?" Sirius took a bite out of the chunk.

"Same after every full moon, achy, tired…" He looked over at James's bed, "Guilty…" Sirius eyed him carefully trying to figure out his face expression.

"I should be the one feeling guilty… he's going to be alright Moony…" Remus sighed.

"I know he's going to be alright, but are you?" Sirius looked down at his feet knowing was this conversation was going to turn into; but he was ready this time.

"No… no I'm not…" He was finally breaking down his barriers.

Remus closed his book, "why did you try to take your life Sirius?"

"Isn't it obvious Remus? I'm tired… I'm just so tired of living with no goals I can look forward too."

"But that's not the reason why," Sirius wiped off the forming tears and took a deep shaky breath.

"Abuse…"

Remus was trying to figure out what he meant, "Abuse?"

"My mother abused me since I was twelve, she would fine every excuse to place her hands on me… I have scars down my back and legs from when she use to hit me with any item she could find…"

"Why?" Sirius was trying to control his emotions.

"Because I was sorted in to Gryffindor, the black blood line was all Slytherin's… Mother was devastated when she found out I was a _'Blood-traitor'…" _

"Why didn't you tell us she was abusing you? We can report this to the ministry of magic! Sirius we can do something!" Sirius was shaking his head knowing that this wouldn't solve anything.

"We're Blacks, the first most powerful Pureblood family, Malfoy's being the second… she can deny everything without even a fight."

"You can't live like this Sirius, you could of actually died…"

"That was my plan Remus, I wouldn't have been missed…" Sirius finally tired of this conversation was about to walk back over to his bed.

"Wait! Can you please consider my idea?" he didn't say anything, he pulled the curtains back out and didn't look back.

Remus placed his hands back on his lap and balled them into a tight fist.

'_I'll do everything I can to help you Sirius.'_

* * *

"_Professor Slughorn…" Sirius was in front of Slughorns desk._

"_Ah Mr. Black how can I help you?" Sirius gulped and thought of something. _

"_I was wondering if you could brew me a pepper-up potion…" the Professor raised his eyebrow and eyed him closely. _

"_You're sick?" he nodded and gripped his bag tightly. _

"_Very well, let me just get the materials ready it shouldn't take long." _

_Sirius watched as he walked to the back. The boy took this moment to go through the cabinets, when he finally found what he was looking for he quickly placed it in his bag. "Here it is!" Sirius turned around nervously and was face to face with Slughorn. _

"_Okay Mr. Black?" Sirius mumbled a small 'yes' and looked down, "Well here you are, fresh as can be." _

"_Thank you professor," he smiled and nodded. _

"_You're very welcome, feel better soon," once Sirius was out of sight of Slughorn he sprinted up to the astronomy tower. _

_Sirius got the veil out of his bag but it wasn't the Pepper-Up potion. It was a potion that poisoned any person that consumed it, " I can do this, I can do this…" _

_Lily Evans was walking up the stairs to the tower because she forgot one of her books from the last lesson. When she opened the door she saw Sirius standing up gulping down that last bit of the mysterious potion. _

"_Black what are you…" she was totally bewildered when she watched him pass out on to the floor, "Sirius! Sirius!" she dropped her bag and went to see if he was still breathing. _

"_Oh my Gosh, please be all right…" she lifted him up around her shoulders; and because of his lightweight he wasn't that heavy. _

"_Please be alive, don't do this to James…" _

Sirius opened his eyes again from another dream. He felt a presence next to him so he turned around surprised to see the headmaster.

"So glad you're awake Mr. Black, may I asked you some questions?" Sirius hesitated but he said yes to be respectful.

"Yes sir…"

"What did your mother do to you?"

* * *

**A very interesting chapter, a lot of answered and unanswered questions; but sadly a cliffhanger **** what's going to happen to James and Mrs. Black? Well we'll see in Chapter 10 ****. Thanks for reading review~ xxXXPotteryGleekxxXX**


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